


Don't Be Scared 'Cause You're All I Need

by GalaxyKitty



Series: I'm With You In The Dark [3]
Category: Janti - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anti has an endless supply of hugs though, Be imperfectly perfect, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugs, It's Okay, Jack doesn't believe in himself, Just gotta take a breath and talk about it, M/M, Reassurances, Self-Doubt, Teddy Bears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-18 05:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18114614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalaxyKitty/pseuds/GalaxyKitty
Summary: “I think he likes you.” Mark smiled softly. “I really do. I know it’s scary sometimes; you’re worried that you’ll mess it up, but I honestly think you should go for it. You’ll never know if you never try, right?”





	1. I'm Still Scared That It's All a Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again this story came from thoughts while I was laying in bed trying to sleep. I have more notes on my phone from the middle of the night.
> 
> My mind is like, oh bOY 3AM! Here's an idea for this series!

Jack was laying on his bed, turned to his side as he stared at the light brown stuffed bear he had so honorably named “Barry”. He was quite proud of that. The stuffed animal still wore Anti’s shirt, but the familiar scent had long since worn off. The brunet ran a thumb against the neck of the shirt, thinking back to when he first got it, and smiled softly, though that soon faded as well.

Anti had started sleeping back in his own bedroom. It didn’t seem like anything happened; one day he just returned to his own room. At first, the green-haired being stayed with Jack during the nights because of the phantoms and nightmares, but after those had stopped, Jack thought he would still stay. He liked having the other being with him. For a few nights, Anti did stay, and the brunet was happy.

Then, one night, Jack had gotten into bed, hugging Barry in his arms as he laid his head on the pillow. He remembered thinking about Anti’ shirt on the bear, wondering if he should ask the being for another one to swap them, but the being didn’t show up. Jack had fallen asleep, thinking he’d see the other in the morning when he woke up, but the being wasn’t there. The brunet didn’t think much of it at first, guessing maybe the being was busy or had to do something with the other egos, but the being didn’t return the next night, nor the night after that, and so on.

He didn’t want to think too much into it, he knew he’d probably come to some absurd conclusion that wasn’t what really happened, but his first thought was that Anti didn’t like him like that and didn’t want to sleep in the same room. The brunet wanted to ask, wanted to know what the reason was, but he was too afraid to ask. He didn’t want to bother the other, didn’t want to seem like he was needy or anything like that, if that’s even how it worked. He didn’t want to make the other upset.

He turned his head and let out a muffled groan into the pillow, upset at himself now for thinking too much about this. He peeked an eye over at Barry, pursing his lips as he sat up.

“You at least think it’s a little weird, though, right?” Jack asked the bear, getting silence in return. “Yeah, you get it.”

The smell of coffee entered his room just like always and the brunet reluctantly got out of bed to start his day. Anti met him in the living room, as usual, and the two of them had their drinks as they watched a bit of the news and prepared for the day. Jack left to his recording room to work on his videos, played some silly games with friends just for fun, talked a bit with others, and everything was normal. Sometimes he would find Anti in the kitchen making something for them, sometimes they would sit together on the couch watching their shows or movie, then Jack would eventually return to his room for the night.

It didn’t seem like anything happened to hurt their relationship, and the more Jack thought about it, the more he realized they seemed more like friends, really good friends. He glanced at his stuffed bear and frowned. Friends give each other gifts when someone is feeling down, that’s normal, and lots of friends sit together to watch movies and roommates do stuff for each other all the time. He thought about the two times they kissed, because surely that had to mean something, but Anti had kissed him the one time to snap him out of his own thoughts when he was dealing with the phantoms. The brunet can’t judge the one time he kissed the other either, because he was the one who started that one and it was just a small short kiss.

Maybe that was it. Maybe Anti returned to his own room because they weren’t in a relationship; they never labeled anything or came to any decision about it. It just kind of happened. Anti had moved to the house to help Jack and make sure he was okay, not because they were together or anything.

Which means if Jack wanted this to go somewhere, then he would have to take the first step. Of course, all the other thoughts that a person had when they thought about asking someone out appeared. What if the other person rejected them? What if it ruined the friendship they had? What if this was too soon? But what if it took too long?

First he wanted to confirm with himself that he wanted to be in a relationship with the other being; he wanted to be sure of himself. It didn’t take much convincing, however, when he thought back to the recent events and thought about how happy he was just by having the other with him. He felt safe with the other, warm and secure. Anti was patient and understanding, making the brunet chuckle to himself every time he describes the glitchy being like that. Everyone else called him impulsive, feisty, mischievous, sometimes rude or childish; he has the nickname “glitch bitch” to add. The thought that Anti only acted like this towards Jack, only showed this softer caring side for the brunet, made him smile. The same went for himself; he kept up a face when making videos and posting on social media, not wanting anyone to know about his troubles, but Anti knew. He didn’t hide as much around the green-haired being.

He wasn’t sure where he was supposed to go from there and found himself frowning at the bear on his bed one night with his phone in hand. He wasn’t sure how helpful it would be, but he might as well check the internet.

He googled questions about asking someone out, how to tell if the person was interested, how to show that he was interested himself, but they all seemed stereotypical or cheesy. They all seemed to have a “nothing can go wrong!” vibe like he was reading a children’s book. “Don’t worry” it said, “have confidence, be yourself, have fun!” Jack started making fun of it more than he was trying to learn from it. A lot of sites mentioned proximity, saying that the closer you are to the person, the better chance you have at being with them, and the brunet sighed. Anti lived in the same house with him, and that’s closer than what the websites were suggesting; those were talking about finding time to hang out more or making study groups if they were in school.

His situation didn’t fit in with these websites and a lot of them assumed he was in school still.

“Highschoolers got better game than me.” Jack pouted out loud, setting his phone down as he looked back at Barry once more. “How would you ask someone out?” He asked the stuffed animal, giving it a pause to answer before pursing his lips. “Well, no, you actually have cuteness on your side, no bear could say no to you.” He put his phone back on the stand by his bed before turning to look up at the ceiling.

He just needs to relax, tell himself that it’s okay, and go at this one step at a time.

A few days passed, nothing changing much aside from the brunet blushing a bit more when they sat together underneath that grey blanket on the couch. One night, the two of them were watching a movie trilogy, and although it was late, Jack insisted that they stay awake to finish it. Besides, he was ahead of schedule for his videos, he had free time for this. The first movie went by quickly, during the second Jack felt himself getting drowsy, and by the third he was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He would close his eyes for a moment, then the next time he opened them the movie was at a different scene. Anti noticed and teased him about it, saying that he was the one who wanted them to stay awake for this but was the one falling asleep. Jack tried to swat at the hand that was poking him, though he wasn’t looking and ended up patting the other’s jaw. It was a weak hit, though, and the green-haired being only made an amused huff at his fail.

Jack tried to stay up to prove to the other that he could, but he was having trouble remembering what was even happening during the movie. Where was the dragon again? Wait… the dragon already died, didn’t it? Was that the second movie? Or was that when they found the dragon… what was happening now?

He closed his eyes and the voices disappeared in the background. His head was already resting on the being’s shoulder and they were curled up under the blankets. He drifted off, hazily feeling a brush of fingers through his hair, and everything was quiet.

He was drowsy when he woke up, not sure how much time had passed, but he knew it wasn’t too long since he still felt tired and wanted to go back to sleep. It was silent, the television having been turned off, and he soon realized why he had woken up when he felt someone moving him. He was too tired to think, eyes closed as he let Anti pick him up, feeling an arm tuck under his knees as he was lifted up off the couch. He heard a door open quietly before he was placed down onto his bed, blankets being moved to cover him. There was a pause and Jack’s mind briefly dragged itself out of its foggy state to try to tell what was happening, then he felt a hand touch his forehead lightly.

The touch was gone in a moment, though, and Jack held back a small frown. He heard the being murmur something, too softly for him to understand, then there was movement next to him. He waited, part of him hoping it was Anti moving to lay next to him, but it was too light. A few more moments passed and he finally opened his eyes, finding that Anti was gone, but Barry was tucked under the covers in front of him. He huffed lightly at the bear, he couldn’t get upset at the stuffed animal regardless of what happened, but a part of him was disappointed.

Why did Anti leave?

He stayed awake for a while, thoughts running through his mind once more as he tried to think of an answer. He tried googling questions again, desperate for some type of hint as to what he should do, but nothing came up. He stared at his phone for a bit, eyes wandering the apps, then he stopped at one of his messaging ones.

Should he ask someone else for advice? Maybe talking to another person rather than the internet would be better.

He set his phone down and closed his eyes as he thought about who he should ask, thinking of a few people, then wondered how he should explain his situation. He didn’t want to reveal that it was Anti he was interested in, nor did he want to explain too much about what lead up to it, seeing as he’d have to talk about the nightmares and his insecurities.

The next morning, he got dressed and had his coffee with Anti, talking a bit about the news on t.v., then when it seemed the green-haired being had left, the brunet grabbed his laptop and set it in his bag before leaving the house. He wore a grey beanie covering his hair with his glasses, coat around his shoulders as he walked over to a nearby café. He bought a muffin from the glass dome as he found an empty table and sat down. He didn’t want to be home when he talked to his friend, not wanting Anti to hear even though he had left earlier. Jack wanted to be cautious anyway, knowing he’d be worried about it if he were home the whole time. He set his laptop on the table, sending a message to his friend asking if he could call as he took a bite of his muffin. His friend replied quickly, answering yes with a smiley face, and Jack clicked the call button after plugging in his headphones.

Two rings and Jack was greeted with a smile and raven-hair on the screen.

“Heya, Jack.” Mark greeted, seated in the living room with his own laptop.

A squeaky toy could be heard in the background and Jack smiled as he thought about Chica.

“Hey, Mark.” He smiled.

“So how are you on this wonderful evening… morning… whatever time it is there.”

“Morning.” Jack chuckled as he held the muffin in front of the camera.

“Okay, you’re making it seem like muffins equal morning, but we all know muffins are for all the time.”

“It’s always muffin time?”

“Yes.” Mark said in mock seriousness. “But anyways, what’d ya have on your mind?”

“I… need some advice.”

“Are you stuck on a game? Need some backup?”

“No.”

“Social media?”

“No.” Jack huffed with a small smile, remembering other times they asked each other how to deal with some situations that popped up.

“Whatcha got?”

“It’s… relationship advice.”

Mark’s eyes widened and he covered his mouth with his hand playfully with a gasp.

“Hath someone taketh Jack’s heart?”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe?” The older man raised an eyebrow then nodded his head slowly. “Ooh, this is an ‘I need help asking someone out’ relationship advice.”

“Yes.” Jack said, pursing his lips as he took a bite of the muffin again.

“Alright, tell me what’s goin’ on.” Mark said, smiling warmly.

“Well, it’s weird.” Jack started, “Cause like, we’ve known each other for a while, so we’re pretty close already but then I can’t tell if when we do things together, like if it’s a friend thing or… you know?”

“I see.” Mark nodded. “So you want to get to be more than friends but aren’t sure if they want that as well?”

“Yeah, like, he’s really nice and he’s been helpin’ me a lot these past few weeks-“

“Wait, he?” Mark asked and Jack paused, realizing the slip with a blush.

“I- it- uh-“

“Woah, Jack, it’s okay!” Mark cut him off, smiling widely. “I’m happy that you found someone, regardless.”

“Ah… thank you.” Jack said softer, letting out a small breath to calm down. “So… I’m not sure where we are, we’ve never really labeled ourselves, never like… said that we were anything.” He explained, watching as Mark would hum in understanding as he listened. “But we’ve kissed twice so I’m thinking maybe there is something?”

“Woah, you’ve kissed him? Twice?” The raven-haired man asked with a gasp.

“Technically yes?”

“What? Did the two of you kiss or not?”

“Yes but they weren’t like a kiss kiss?”

“Okay, who kissed first? Did you kiss him or did he kiss you?”

“He did.”

Mark put his hands together and swayed side to side in awe.

“Jack, if he kissed you first then he totally likes you.”

“But it wasn’t like a real kiss.” Jack frowned. “He only did it ‘cause I was freaking out and he was trying to calm me down.”

“A kiss is a kiss, Jack.” Mark smiled. “If he was just a friend, he wouldn’t have kissed you to calm you down, a hug yeah, but a kiss? Nah, that’s past the friend zone there.”

“I don’t know, though. We haven’t really done anything after that, and I thought we would’ve done something but… it kind of feels like we backtracked a little?”

“I think he likes you.” Mark smiled softly. “I really do. I know it’s scary sometimes; you’re worried that you’ll mess it up, but I honestly think you should go for it. You’ll never know if you never try, right?”

“What should I do, then? Should I… go on a date or…?”

“You should kiss him!” Mark said as he threw his hands up in the air.

“What?” The brunet exclaimed, shaking his head.

“Kiss him a third time!”

“I can’t do that!”

“You kissed him two other times, though.” The older man said with a smirk. “I vote kiss him.”

“I don’t know.” Jack mumbled, but he did feel a little better hearing it from Mark.

“Don’t push yourself if you’re not comfortable, but you also have to take the chance when you can. If you don’t take a leap of faith, then you’ll miss out on so many opportunities. You have to trust yourself.”

“You sound corny.” The brunet murmured, though he chuckled softly.

“Corny is my middle name.” Mark smirked.

“You must have a lot of middle names.”

“What can I say? I’m an amazing man, gotta fit in all these titles.”

After that, Jack’s phone buzzed on the table and the brunet picked it up to see a text.

“Is that him?” Mark guessed and his smiled widely when the brunet nodded.

“He’s asking where I am.”

“He likes you.” The raven-haired man said in a higher pitched voice, similar to the one he uses when talking to Chica which caused the dog to bound over on screen. “And Chica thinks so too, don’t you girl!” The golden dog put her paws on Mark’s lap as her tail swished excitedly and Mark ruffled her fur. “Tell this man what’s what.”

“Chica, do ya believe in me?” Jack asked with a goofy grin.

The dog turned towards the camera and she had an expression resembling that of a smile. The brunet laughed and felt some of his worries had calmed down a bit as he looked back up at Mark.

“Okay.” Jack murmured and let out a heavy breath. “Okay… I think I can do this.”

“It’s going to be alright.” Mark reassured, moving Chica off of his lap. “You’re a great person and I have no doubt that he thinks so too.”

“Thanks.” Jack said and looked down at his phone that still had the text on screen. “I’ll tell ya what happens… if something happens.”

“Alright, I’ll be cheering for you.”

The two of them said their goodbyes, Jack thanking the other once more before he ended the call and put his laptop and headphones away. He finished his muffin quickly as he texted Anti back, saying he was on his way home. He slung his bag over his shoulder, finding a new sense of confidence as he started walking back. He started to feel a little excited as he thought about various scenarios that might happen, how he’d find the perfect moment to ask the other, maybe just outright kiss him like Mark said, and how the other would smile. A warm embrace. A reassurance spoken softly. Quiet laughter. Everything would be okay.

He opened the door to his house, setting his bag down in the living room, but as he looked up and saw Anti, he froze. The confidence he found walking over here had disappeared.

“Where’d ya go?” Anti asked, noticing the bag before he sat down on the couch and glanced at the television.

“Ah, just to a café. Had a muffin.”

The being hummed an acknowledgement as he leaned back in his spot, elbow propped up on the armrest. Jack frowned at himself before he picked up the remote that was off to the side and set it down on the cushion next to Anti as he plopped down as well. It was a lot easier to imagining what could happen before he had to do it himself.

Anti didn’t seem to notice anything as he picked up the remote and turned the t.v. on, scrolling through the guide to look for something to watch. The brunet leaned back against the cushion, taking a deep breath to calm himself down as he watched the screen. Mark told him that he needs to trust himself and go for it. He glanced to the side, watching Anti click through the channels, and almost yelped when the being’s eyes turned to him.

“Ya need to record today?” The being asked, raising an eyebrow in question.

“No, I- I got enough stuff done. Got a break today.”

The being hummed before turning back to the screen and Jack internally groaned at himself. He’s tense and worried; he needs to calm down before Anti realizes something is going on. He needs to relax.

Anti eventually found a movie as he set the remote down on the side table, eyes trained to the screen as the brunet kept sneaking in glances. How was he supposed to do this? He can’t just go for a kiss, can he? Is that how it works? He could feel his heart beating faster than normal, partly from being so worried, part of him still feeling a warm nervousness as he thought about the good outcomes. He stared at the screen, blinking quickly to stop his eyes from getting watery; he can’t have that happening. He felt exposed, wondering if Anti could tell he was upset, wondering if the being knew what was going on through his mind right now. Just kiss him? How was he supposed to just kiss him? Maybe he shouldn’t do this today, maybe he should wait for another time. Then Mark’s words repeated themselves in his mind and he huffed. Leap of faith; right.

He wasn’t paying attention to the movie, too focused on his own thoughts, different versions of how the kiss could happen replayed themselves. He’s overthinking it.

He was startled when a hand touched his shoulder and he jerked his head to the side. Anti was watching him, a small frown on his face.

“You alright?” The being asked and Jack frowned back.

Do something; he has to do something. Don’t just stare at him in silence; _do something_.

He acted before he had the chance to think it through, more on impulse really, and ended up leaning over the being’s lap as he kissed the other. He could tell he was tense, worried about the other’s reaction, and part of him was upset once his mind started to catch up since this wasn’t a soft kiss like he had imagined, but he felt a hand cup his cheek lightly. He leaned back, blinking as he felt the corners of his eyes tear up, and saw Anti with a small smile.

“Hey…” The being murmured, thumb rubbing his cheek as the being touched their noses together. “It’s okay…”

Jack felt himself tear up more. Anti knew he was upset, could see through him, and the brunet moved to rest properly in the other’s lap as he hid his face against the other’s neck. He didn’t cry, though he hugged the other tightly, and felt as the grey blanket was thrown over the two of them, wrapped around their shoulders. A hand slipped under his shirt as Anti rubbed his back gently, sometimes having the back of his fingers glide across the skin lightly. It was comforting and the brunet relaxed against the other.

“What’s wrong?” The green-haired being asked and the brunet took a moment to think.

He had a lot of questions, a lot of thoughts and fears piling up in his mind, but he came to the one question that first started troubling him.

“Why’d you stop sleeping in my room?”

The hand stopped moving against his back, though it stayed resting at his hip and the thumb would still sometimes brush against his skin.

“I…” The being paused and hummed lightly. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to stay or not. At first it was because of the phantoms… I stayed to make sure you were safe, but after they were gone and the nightmares weren’t as bad… I didn’t know if I was supposed to return to my room or…”

“I liked having you there.”

“Oh…” The being said quietly and Jack lifted his head off of the other’s shoulder to look into the other’s eyes.

“I…” He closed his eyes for a second, telling himself it was alright, then looked back into the green eyes of the other. “I like you.”

“Oh…” The being repeated, eyes widening slightly, and for a moment Jack started to get worried before he saw the being smile and lean forward to return a kiss.

This one was like how he imagined it, soft but warm and portraying the emotions they needed to.

“I like you too.”

When they parted, the brunet rested his forehead against the other’s, breath leaving his lips in soft laughter. It was a funny thought, hearing those words, reminding him of being a kid, and he smiled.

“Barry missed you.” He murmured and the other being let out a huff.

“Did he, now?”

“Yeah, and he’s too cute to say no to, so ya gotta do what he says.”

“I don’t know…” The being murmured, hand caressing his cheek. “I think I know someone better.”

“Did you just-“ Jack leaned back and stared at the other. “You did not just… oh my god you did, I can’t believe you just did that.”

“What?” The being smirked. “You don’t know who I’m talking about.”

“This is something straight from a cheesy pick-up line video.”

“Yours?”

“You wish.”

They shared more laughter, Jack eventually leaning in to capture the other’s lips in another kiss, and when night had fallen and it was time for them to go to bed, the brunet couldn’t help but smile when the two of them laid underneath the covers in his room. He grabbed the stuffed bear, setting it on the other’s shoulder with a chuckle.

“I take it the bear helps, then?” Anti asked, and the brunet smiled.

“Yeah… I didn’t think it would but… surprisingly it did. He’s a good cuddle buddy.”

The being hummed and closed his eyes, a small smile on his lips. Jack kept himself awake for a while just think about the day as he watched the being’s face ease into sleep. He’d have to tell Mark that his idea worked, as odd as it was. He learned that sometimes he just has to go for it, though.

He eventually closed his eyes as well, snuggling closer to the other as he let sleep take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one more chapter after this in case you didn't notice the chapter count! It's the second chapter that has more of the emotional stuff as well.  
> This series focuses on certain troubles for each story. The first one was about anxiety, the second about nightmares and self-doubt, and this one is about self-doubt but with relationships, but I had two ideas for it so I wanted to keep them together as two chapters in the same story.
> 
> Snuck in a lil’ reference from Into the Spiderverse here. I saw that movie twice and both times it made me think about how I’d write this. There are very nice scenes in there, and one really stuck with me. I know it’s still a new movie so I won’t spoil anything, but there’s a line: “How do I know I’m not gonna mess it up again?”
> 
> I made a quick lil [sketch](https://galaxykitty42.tumblr.com/post/183464442845/quick-sketch-for-a-story-c) for the story again, so there's the link to that :3


	2. You Gave Me Something to Lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I thought it’d be hard to find the one ‘til I found you.  
> And I find it bittersweet ‘cause you gave me something to lose.”
> 
> Strangely enough, something from my art history class made me think of something for the story. Right now we’re starting the Baroque period and my professor said the name came from the word “barocco” meaning “irregularly shaped pearl”. He said it was supposed to be condescending like “oh you’re not a perfect pearl, you’re irregular” but I just sat there being fascinated with the meaning of the name. I don’t know why, I just really thought that was cool. So there is a line in the story talking about misshapen pearls and I think it’s nice.
> 
> This is also the more emotional chapter with self-doubt, there will be tears, so be careful as always!

For a while Jack was nothing but a ball of too much energy and smiles. He told Mark that he was together with Anti, though he didn’t say Anti’s name specifically, and the older man grinned widely. He congratulated the brunet, calling himself a love doctor, and Jack rolled his eyes.

Jack and Anti went on their first official date, dressing up a bit more to hide their appearances as they went to a restaurant. The green-haired being would smirk as he messed around at the table, purposely glitching the silverware and making the glasses ring. Jack would protest, telling him he needed to behave, but his own small laughs showed he wasn’t upset.

A few days later, Jack was invited to visit the other egos at their place. He didn’t think much of it at first as he nudged the green-haired being to get him to hurry up and get ready to go that day. The being had glitched them over to the house and they greeted the others. Henrik asked about their wellbeing, as always, and they shared stories while Chase and Marvin prepared lunch for them all.

The brunet was happy to catch up with the others, glad to see that everyone was doing well, then he caught sight of Anti standing on the island counter in the kitchen. He was smirking, knife in hand as he teased the others in the kitchen. Jack chuckled at it, watching the scene unfold as Chase grabbed a bread roll and threw it at the green-haired being. Anti glitched out of the way, causing the roll to hit the wall of the living room and Henrik let out a puff of air.

“He’s barely even been here and there’s already a food fight.” The doctor sighed as Jackie picked up the roll, jumped onto the couch, and threw it back.

It barely missed Marvin, rolling on the counter in front of the magician who eyed it before lifting it into the air and threw it back behind him without looking. Anti flung a knife at it, stabbing the roll as it was pinned to the wall and Henrik let out another sigh of defeat. Soon Chase had turned the bag of rolls upside down, the bread falling into a pile on the counter as he and Marvin started throwing the rolls at Anti and Jackie in the living room. It reminded Jack of a snowball fight and he stood to the side with Henrik and JJ as they watched the rolls fly back and forth, shouts and cheers filling the air.

Anti was grinning widely, glitching around to mess with the others as the bread war continued, and Jack realized this is how the green-haired being normally acted. This was who he was.

He was happy to see everyone having fun, but the more he thought about it, he started feeling bad. Back at his home, Anti wasn’t this energetic; he didn’t goof off or mess around like he did as soon as they got here. The brunet had noticed this before, he knew the glitchy ego didn’t comfort others like he did for him, but what if he was looking at this the wrong way? What if Anti was being careful around him, but by doing so he had to hold back who he was? Was he upset at home? Did he ever want to mess around like he usually does but didn’t to keep Jack happy? Was he bored there? Did he ever wish things were different?

Jack told himself to stop thinking about that now; he was with the others and he can’t start getting emotional. Thankfully Henrik got them to end their feud, all of them picking up the rolls from the floor and setting them in a pile on the counter, and they calmed down. They finished preparing lunch as they sat together on the couches, watching funny videos on the t.v. and throwing out ideas for Jack’s channel as well.

They stayed for dinner, sitting at the table, and the other egos mentioned how Jack and Anti could visit whenever they wanted. It seemed like they missed Anti’s energetic personality around the house, and though the glitchy ego seemed indifferent, Jack caught the small smile.

The brunet started feeling self-conscious, thoughts appearing and making him want to return home. He looked down at his plate with a sad hum, thankful that he managed to eat before he felt like this, and set his fork down. It was starting to get dark outside and the brunet told the others he should get back home, relieved that the others assumed he was tired. They said their goodbyes and Anti took them back, both standing in the quiet living room.

Neither of them moved for a moment, Jack still distracted with his own thoughts, then the being took his hand and pulled him over to the couch.

“What?” Jack asked quietly, not sure what was happening, and the two of them sat on their spot like always.

“Gotta watch a movie.” The being responded, throwing the grey blanket over the two of them as he pulled the brunet to rest against him.

“Is movie watching on this couch a thing now or something?” The brunet asked, quirking an eyebrow up.

“Yes.”

Jack huffed, though he thought it might make him feel better as he turned the t.v. on and picked a random channel. He pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind, not wanting to worry over it as he snuggled up under the blanket. He can’t keep letting these thoughts get the better of him.

The movie was a romance one, something Jack didn’t recognize, but it was light and he didn’t have to focus too much on it as he let himself relax. About half way through the movie, he lifted his head to see the being had fallen asleep, head tilted back to rest against the cushion. He smiled softly, moving back to rest his own head against the being’s shoulder and continued watching the screen as the movie progressed. The couple on the screen were walking together in town, hand in hand swaying back and forth. The woman was talking about a book she had read, smiling as she explained her favorite scenes until they walked past a roller-skating ring. The guy had pointed towards it as he pulled the girl over, and though she protested against it, he eventually persuaded her to go. They fitted on skates and entered the ring together, the woman holding onto the man as she stumbled at first, as expected for a silly romance movie, until they both started skating on their own. They spun in circles, laughing and goofing off, and the music in the background filled the scene with warmth.

The movie then showed scenes of other dates they went on, showing their relationship grow, but they all had a feeling of lighthearted joy and cheerful smiles.

Is that what couples are supposed to be like?

No, this was a movie; a silly movie for that matter. He can’t base real life off of this. But this silly movie had to be based off of something. Aren’t relationships supposed to be nice like that? With flowers and fun dates, holding hands and going out to do things with one another.

Jack wasn’t like that. He stayed inside most of the time, and even if he wanted to leave, he had to be cautious about who might recognize him. He couldn’t go on dates easily with Anti either; they weren’t a normal couple.

He thought back to the movie and others like it; they always showed the two people meeting in some special way. They had a fun story to tell to others, something they could talk about that held warm memories.

Jack and Anti didn’t have something like that. The brunet had to deal with his thoughts constantly getting in the way, sleepless nights filled with tears, and fears preventing him from moving forward. This wasn’t normal.

He wasn’t normal.

That heavy feeling he had at the other egos’ house returned and he didn’t want to watch the end of the movie. Anti was still asleep and he didn’t want to wake the being, so he carefully moved the blanket off of himself and maneuvered to get up off the couch before walking quickly over to his room. He locked the door, wanting to be alone, and ended up sitting on the floor with his back resting against the bed. He pulled his knees up, hugging them as he set his chin down and sighed.

Did Anti ever want to be in a relationship like that? Did he find this troublesome? No, the being told him he wasn’t a bother. But that doesn’t mean the being liked dealing with this regardless. A person wouldn’t get mad at their dog if the dog accidentally bit them, but that doesn’t mean they want to be bitten in the first place. Like Chica; he’d never be mad at Chica even if she bit him, but he doesn’t want that to happen anyway.

The brunet shook his head. He’s comparing himself to a dog now. He shouldn’t be thinking about any of this.

He’s always going to have these thoughts in his head, though. These aren’t going to go away. Something always gets to him. He’s doing his best, his friends and family do their best to help as well, and things have gotten better, but it’s like a shadow that will always follow him.

Jack felt his eyes tear up as he pulled his legs closer. What if Anti started to get tired of taking care of him like that, to see the brunet tear up and cry whenever something happens? Hell, he’s doing it right now. That fact alone made him feel worse, upset at himself for being upset in the first place. He shouldn’t be crying yet here he is.

He’s not normal; this isn’t normal. Anti doesn’t deserve this.

He couldn’t hold back the tears as he buried his head in his knees, hugging them tightly as he felt the strain in his hands. Why was he like this?

The sound of the doorknob turning made his head shoot upwards and he turned towards the door. It was locked, probably confusing the other, and the brunet heard a knock.

“Jack…?”

He held his breath, not knowing what to do. He didn’t want the being to see him like this and he knew if he tried to speak, his voice would show he was crying. He couldn’t stay quiet, though, or Anti might get suspicious.

Another knock on the door and he tensed up. Maybe Anti might think he’s asleep? But he wouldn’t have locked the door or left the being on the couch.

He was surprised when the being suddenly appeared in his room, glitching past the door as he found the brunet sitting on the floor with watery eyes and puffy cheeks. The being seemed surprised himself for a moment before he sat down next to the other and wrapped his arms around the brunet’s shoulders, pulling him towards his chest. Jack shut his eyes, internally apologizing for causing the being to do this, and stayed still. The being would rub his side, not asking what happened, until he was able to stop the tears and calm his unsteady breaths.

Anti did ask quietly if he was alright, but when he didn’t answer, the being just carefully picked him up and moved them to the bed.

Jack stayed quiet, back turned to the other, and he tried not to worry any more than he already was. Anti had an arm around him, hand touching his own lightly, but he could tell his mind wouldn’t calm down enough to fall asleep. He tried to focus on his breathing instead, counting how long it took to breathe in then breathe out. He didn’t pay attention to how much time had passed, mind feeling fuzzy, but the occasional brush of fingers against his hand told him that Anti was still awake.

The brunet was still staring at the wall in front of him when light started seeping in through the window. That means he didn’t get any sleep in.

He heard the being sigh quietly behind him, the bed dipping a bit as the other sat up. There was a pause, a hand rubbing his arm softly, then the being left the bed and walked out to the kitchen. There were sounds of cupboards opening and cups being placed on the counter, making Jack frown. He didn’t like the idea of coffee when he was like this. He was tired and just wanted to relax, not wanting to be fidgety from caffeine.

He could feel his hunger growing as he grumbled to himself and got up. As he walked into the bathroom, he saw the tired look on his face, dried tear stains on his cheeks, and he rubbed a hand over his eyes. This was becoming too familiar.

He walked into the kitchen, wondering what he should do with the cup of coffee Anti made him, but he stopped when he realized the room didn’t smell like coffee. There was something else instead. He saw the cup sitting on the counter and he stepped over to it, looking inside to see it was tea, not coffee.

“Last time you didn’t sleep, you didn’t like the coffee.” Anti murmured, standing next to him.

Jack looked up at him, blinking in surprise before he picked up the cup and took a sip. Huh, it was kind of nice. He still wasn’t feeling too great, though, and he mumbled a quiet “thank you” before returning to his room. He sat on the bed, legs crossed and back resting against the wall as he cradled the cup of tea in his hands. He blankly stared at a spot in front of him, everything feeling numb, and eventually Anti sat next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

The brunet knew it was a silent question and he hummed sadly.

“I… want to be alone for a bit.” He mumbled, eyes looking to the side to see the other’s reaction.

Anti had a small frown, hand rubbing his shoulder lightly, but he made a short nod.

“Alright.” He murmured back, leaning forwards to touch his forehead to the brunet’s temple. “I’ll be in my room…”

The being then left after that, leaving the brunet to return to his thoughts. He finished his tea, setting the empty cup down on the stand by his bed, but as he moved to sit back against the wall again, he saw Barry laying sideways in the corner. He stopped, stared at the bear, then his eyes teared up and he felt his face crumple.

He didn’t want Anti to see him like this; the being shouldn’t have to deal with this.

He leaned back against the wall, head hitting it with a thud as he looked up at the ceiling. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically, and these dark thoughts were making him feel awful.

“Just breathe.” He told himself, voice shaking as he let out a deep breath from his mouth. “Just like before. In and out. You can do this…”

The more he talked, the shakier his voice got until he shut his eyes and couldn’t hold back whimper. He wrapped his arms around himself, falling to the side as his face hit the pillow.

“I’m sorry…” He whimpered, taking deep breathes to try to get himself to calm down.

His exhausted mind eventually let him fall asleep, tired from staying up all night, though he didn’t dream. When he woke up, he didn’t feel much better but his mind had at least settled down from before. He glanced at the bear, unsure of what to do, then decided a shower might help.

He ended up sitting on the shower floor, knees up and head leaning against the tile wall as the water warmed him up. It took him a while to do anything else, slowly washing his hair and cleaning the rest of himself, and after he started getting uncomfortable from sitting on the hard floor for too long, he turned off the water and dressed himself in soft pajamas.

He was hesitant to leave the room, hand pausing at the doorknob for a moment before he let out a breath and opened the door. He walked into the kitchen slowly, looking out towards the living room, but the green-haired being wasn’t there. Maybe he was still in his room. Maybe he was giving the brunet space.

Jack looked down at the floor, confused with the emotions swirling around inside of him, and walked over to his studio. He didn’t like doing nothing and he knew he always had something to work on, so he opened up a video he needed to review and started with that. He opened a playlist on the side, finding calmer songs to play in the background as he worked.

He got a few hours in, thankful for Robin’s help as always, and he felt a little better knowing he was productive today. As he left the studio, he was cautious again, but when he turned the corner to enter the living room space, the being still wasn’t there.

He was partly relieved; he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to the other, but it was a little lonely too.

The brunet frowned at himself. He told the other he wanted to be alone; Anti was doing what he asked. He shook his head, making his way to the kitchen to make himself something to eat as he let his mind wander. He ate standing at the counter, occasionally glancing towards the hallway where the other bedrooms were located, then put the plate and silverware in the sink after he was done. He stayed up a little while longer, wondering what Anti was doing and what he should say to the other, and sat on his bed once it had gotten late.

He had the little light on by his bed, a soft glow in the room, and he was sitting cross-legged on the bed as he faced Barry. He propped up the stuffed animal so it wasn’t sideways anymore and hummed lowly.

Was he going to sleep alone again? Had he messed things up once more?

He lowered his head, feeling weak, not sure if he even had it in him to cry, then he felt the bed dip. He turned his head, seeing Anti sitting next to him, but the being had a sad look in his eyes. Had he caused that? What was he supposed to say to him?

“You feelin’ any better?” The being asked quietly.

The brunet looked down again, not able to keep his eyes on the other, but eventually leaned forward to rest his head against the other’s shoulder. The being put one arm around him, the other hand moving up to run through his hair lightly, and it was quiet.

_I’m sorry I’m like this._

The thought made its way to his mind and he frowned. Why did it hurt so much?

“I’m here for you, okay?” The being murmured and held him closely.

Jack still couldn’t say anything, too many of those sadder thoughts blurring his judgement, but the green-haired being still held him as he moved the two of them to lay underneath the covers.

He wasn’t alone.

Jack was thankful when he woke up the next morning to realize that he had managed to fall asleep that night. Anti made him tea again and the two of them sat back on the couch. He saw the green-haired being glance at him from time to time, probably wanting to ask what happened yesterday, but the brunet still didn’t know what to say. Just thinking about it made him feel bad, like butterflies in the stomach, but poisonous.

He tried to hide it, not wanting these feelings to show, but bottling up these emotions never worked. He took a shower later that night, sitting on the shower floor once more, and tears mingled with the drops of water sliding down his face.

His thoughts told him he wasn’t worth it. He caused too much trouble; there were too many negatives that came with being with him. How long would Anti be able to take care of him before it became too much?

But he didn’t want Anti to go.

He doesn’t want to be alone again.

Jack tried to ignore those thoughts, hoping they would go away, but it only got worse the longer they stayed. It hurt even more when he saw the sad expression on Anti’s face each day. He didn’t mean to make Anti upset, he didn’t want the other to feel bad because of him. He didn’t want any of this to happen. Anti deserves to be happy; he wanted the being to be happy.

The two of them were lying in bed together to go to sleep, the brunet having his back turned towards the other, and he tried to quiet his mind. He thought about Anti smiling before any of this happened and he felt his eyes tear up.

_No, don’t cry, don’t you dare cry._

He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to stop, but he felt his breathing pick up. He heard Anti move a little next to him and he started to worry more.

_Don’t cry, don’t let him know you’re about to cry- no, you’re not gonna cry, you’re not gonna cry, you’re not gonna cry, you’re not gonna-_

The first few tears fell and he felt himself hiccup a breath, but it was enough to cause the other to sit up and put a hand on his arm.

“Jack?”

He couldn’t hold it back any longer as he let out a sob. Anti tried to move to see what was going on, but the brunet pushed the covers off of himself as he scrambled to the other end of the bed, back against the wall as he tried to hide his face in his knees.

“Jack? What’s wrong?” He asked, worry laced in his voice as he put a hand on the brunet’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Jack managed to get out, voice uneven and strained.

“What?”

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, the thoughts reappearing in his mind and he finally let them out in a rushed ramble between sobs. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t normal, I know I’m not supposed to be like this, it’s just a bother, other people don’t have to deal with this, other people aren’t messed up like me, I’m sorry I’m like this-“

“No.” Anti said, causing the brunet to stop and finally look up at the other who was sitting in front of him. “I don’t want other people. I want you.” He paused as he moved to take the brunet’s hands in his and looked into his eyes with a soft expression. “It’s okay, I understand, and we are going to do this together. I’m not going to leave you. Don’t apologize because there is nothing to apologize for. It’s okay, Jack, _it’s okay._ I will always be here for you, for however long you need me.”

Jack felt as more tears streamed down his face and the being moved one of his hands up to wipe one of his cheeks.

“Let me be the one who dries your tears.”

The brunet let out another sob, falling forwards to wrap his arms around the other’s chest as he hugged the being tightly, hiding his face once more. The being held him back, head resting against the other’s, and murmured quiet words.

“I… I didn’t mean to cause this much trouble. I never wanted to make you upset.” The brunet mumbled and the being shook his head softly.

“Even if you think you’re a misshapen pearl, to me you’re still the most beautiful one. I wouldn’t trade you for anything else. You’re all I need.”

Jack didn’t know how to respond, holding the other tightly as he could feel his arms getting tired, but he didn’t want to let go. Anti let him cry, let him get the emotions out as they stayed in place, occasionally rocking back and forth in a comforting motion. After a few moments, the being then moved slightly and Jack felt a soft kiss against his temple.

“You are my perfect” Anti said.

Jack held back another sob and forced himself to let go of the other so he could see the being’s face. He saw the being’s green eyes glossy with his own unshed tears and the brunet cupped his cheeks and pulled them together for a kiss. It wasn’t anything graceful, both of them emotional, but the brunet still smiled softly with it.

“It’s okay.” The being said once more, mirroring the small smile as he kissed the other again. “It will always be okay. So please tell me whenever you’re feeling like this so I can help.”

“But…”

“There’s no buts, Jack.” He said before the brunet could say anything. “You can wake me up in the middle of the night, pause whatever movie we’re watching, call me any time if I’m not here. You are what matters most.”

Jack frowned lightly, still unsure, and the being linked their hands together again.

“I… I still know this stuff is hard to deal with, though.” The brunet sighed and Anti huffed.

“You think you’re the only one?” Anti asked, raising an eyebrow and the brunet frowned in confusion. “What do you think I was doing when you were first asked to be alone? I was afraid I had done something wrong. I didn’t want to try to make you talk, I wanted you to tell me when you were comfortable, but I was still worried. But I knew it would be okay, I knew I had to give you time to sort out your thoughts, but I knew we would talk and work things out. I don’t have everything under control either, but that’s how it’s supposed to be. Life isn’t easy, it’s not always fair, but we don’t have to go through it alone. You’ve helped me and I want to help you; I want to make sure you keep your smile. I’m happy here, Jack, and as long as you are too, then it’ll be okay.”

“I… I’ve helped you?” Jack asked, puzzled.

“Yes. I like being here, being with you. It’s nice to hang out with the others sometimes and goof off, but I like being able to relax here, just be myself with no expectations. Sometimes I just want to sit on the couch and watch a movie without trying to keep up some type of face.”

Jack blinked, thinking back to their regular habit of watching movies and shows together, and it started to make sense.

“Is that why we do that a lot?” He asked and the being made a small smile.

“Maybe.”

The brunet smiled back. It made him feel better, knowing he could do something for the being, and reached a hand up to try to wipe at his face since he knew he looked like a mess. Anti murmured that he’d get something before he disappeared from the room, glitching out of sight for a moment then reappearing after a few seconds. He was holding a light blue bag and as the brunet looked at it closely, he saw it had makeup remover wipes in it. The being took one of them out as he rubbed the brunet’s cheek carefully with it, though the brunet raised an eyebrow at it.

“Makeup removers?”

“Marvin keeps some in the bathroom.” The being responded, and when he saw the brunet’s expectant look he shrugged. “Something about face paints and smoke bombs, I don’t know.”

The being stood up to throw away the used towelettes, returning as the two of them laid back down on the bed, and they faced one another. Anti brushed a few strands of hair away from the brunet’s face and they both felt their minds calming down and wanting to fall asleep.

“So…” The being murmured. “You feelin’ better?”

Jack looked back at the other, seeing the soft gaze that made those worries fade away, and made a tired hum. He was tired, the sudden rush of emotions draining his energy, but he managed to respond quietly.

“Thank you…”

“No problem.” The other said with a small laugh. “It will never be a problem.”

Jack then closed his eyes, letting sleep take over, and it felt like things would be okay.

He knew those thoughts would still be there, a shadow still following him, but Anti would be there with him. Whenever they got too dark to handle, Anti would be there to remind him he wasn’t alone and lighten them up. Because in the end, that’s all they are, a shadow, and as long as Anti was with him, he didn’t need to be afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading as always! <3 I remember I had a lot of things I wanted to say in the notes here but it's also midnight and I'm tired and I didn't make myself notes for the notes. I did draw [a picture](https://galaxykitty42.tumblr.com/post/183559087575/even-if-you-think-youre-a-misshapen-pearl-to-me) again, though! It has baroque pearls in it because I honestly do like them.
> 
> Story title and both chapter titles are lines from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN44xpHjNxE)
> 
> Also, I found [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJkwjrFbmIs) (of course after I already posted the first chapter and had the titles planned), but it’s a version of the same song I used in my story Origami Heart. It’s so perfect, it’s an actor for Evan Hansen singing with _another actor for Evan Hansen_ , but not only that, they’re a real life couple, it’s so cute and I love the lyrics, so please please please do give the song a listen when you can <3


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